8:03 am

its taken 2 days to kick in this time – today I’m flat as a pancake and am finding it increasingly difficult to summon any sort of enthusiasm for anything. I didn’t want to get out of bed to train today, I didn’t want to eat chicken and sweet potato again, I didn’t want to do the cardio that I know I need to do for the universes, I didn’t want to go to work – I dont really care if the data gets converted or the testing gets done.

I’ve got the Universes in 12 days, but right now I’m struggling to get myself ‘up’ for anything – I’ve got to confirm my tan lady, check my hotel and flight bookings, I’ve got to work out what food I need to take to brisy or if I need to take food, I need to check if there is a decent supermarket near the hotel, I’ve got to find out from Jo what she will help me with and what I need to do/bring, has she talked to her hair and makeup lady, has she booked her? but I can’t be bothered to do any of it – its ADMIN!! I hate ADMIN, its chasing people up, tedious drivel that takes up brain space – I want it all sorted out for me so that it just happens!

On Sunday after being on such a high from the show, coming back to an empty house and having to soak bikinis, clean the bathroom of all the dream tan, wash my hair piece, unpack the dishwasher and cook tea – what a crashing downer!

it would have been nice to have my tea cooked for me…

I am tired.

Not the ‘I didn’t sleep very well tired’ kind of tired, but tired through and through, mentally and physically. For 2 years I’ve been pushing myself hard, in the case of Mt Kilimanjaro my body was breaking down by the time I got on the plane, twice I broke down in tears on the summit climb, nearly quitting and although I had 2 weeks of rest to get over the bronchitis when I got back, I never really stopped. When I was going through my emotional breakdown earlier this year my diversion was to increase the physical training…to the detriment of my shoulders.

Then throw in the complicated rules and regulations of biosignature (too much thinking!) and now going through the highs and lows required to get to the extreme physical condition that you need to be in to compete – today I’m over it all. I just want to hide away and not have to do anything, see anyone or go anywhere.

I’m questioning myself again – why I’m doing this? why am I putting myself through all this? for what? whats the point? what am I really getting out of this?

I’m also concerned that by removing myself from the world to focus on doing this that I now have no connection to reality - I listen to people at work talking about how their kids are sick or how they got pissed at the weekend or what they ate for breakfast/lunch/tea, how they’re tired or how they’re so proud of themselves that they went to the gym once this week or they feel so healthy because they ate the side salad with their pasta last night or they feel so guilty becuase they cheated on their ridiculous fad diet.

It all seems so mundane, inane and pointless.

I’m concerned that I’m turning into one of those self absorbed people who have nothing else to talk about except their diet/exercise/competitions, have I let this define who am I?

I’ve got so many things I want and need to be doing once I’ve done the Universe titles, but right now it all seems too big and overwhelming I don’t even know where to start

I need a break, a complete getaway where I dont have to think or do anything or see anyone

1:32 pm

sooo tired….coffee required.

2:34 pm

amazing what a hit of strong coffee can do! and chatting to someone who has a thing called ‘ambition’ - I always love talking to people who have dreams, goals and something bigger than they are and they are actively working at achieving those dreams - its so refreshing!

I’ve decided to book a treat weekend for myself – after Brisy, maybe I’ll hole up in the park hyatt and live on room service or head out for a spa weekend in Daylesford or Bright, I love it up there cycling along the Ovens valley or walking up in the hills – yeah that sounds ideal – blow the cobwebs away and get my hiking legs in gear again, or listen to some jazz at the Beechworth bakery…in fact the more I think about it, the more I like it…

I’m going to do it - yay!

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