I just had one of those wake up sweating nightmares – and it was about competition day – its 2:47am but this is has soo many lessons I just have to write it down!
ok so comp day starts out fine – my bag is packed I’ve checked it at least 1000 times, my hair and makeup lady turns up on time, my trainer (NOT Aiden!!??) arrives on time, we all pile into the car and head off to Flemington – (? minor detail! I like Flemington )
anyway we get to the venue and Nik Kershaw (yes the 80′s pop star) is the valet, and he makes me and my trainer get out of the car and go to the competitors area while he drives off in the car with Sam my hair and makeup lady (behave!)
We get backstage and there plenty of room to dump stuff theres lots of people as you can imagine, so I go walkabout to familiarise myself with the place whilst my trainer starts chatting with people that he knows. I pop in and watch some makeup people preparing the pre comp show and I’m all pretty relaxed at this stage and am wandering around chatting to other competitiors.
but somethings not quite right….hmm…think think think…then I notice
I DONT HAVE ANY TAN ON….!!!
Why dont I have any tan on? I should have spent the last few days tanning – how can I have missed doing this?
Why did nobody point this out before?
and not only that I can no longer find my trainer, I didn’t see where he put my bag and I have not seen my hair and makeup lady since Nik Kershaw drove off with her still in the car….
Nik Kershaw is back, I’ve seen him since so where is Sam? now Im starting to get anxious
Where is my bag?
Where is my trainer?
Where is my hair and makeup lady?
My phone is in my bag…WHERE IS MY BAG????
I realise I’m thirsty.
So now I’m starting to get stressed and I’m going from room to room backstage to find my stuff, I need to find my phone – but I can’t find it and I still cant find my hair lady or my trainer
WHERE ARE THEY?
This is a complete disaster! its all starting to unravel and I’m really panicking - I still dont have a tan and the pre comp show has started!!
I’ve only got about 2 hours before I’m on stage and I’ve lost all my stuff
so now I’m rushing around asking everyone
Have you seen my stuff?
Have you seen my trainer?
have you seen Sam this is what she looks like?
I’m really thirsty.
I’m in tears now – how can this all be going so horribly wrong? why dont I have any tan on? Why is everyone else so relaxed – they’re sitting at the bar drinking martinis and cocktails
Why is everyone dressed like a 70′s disco party?
so now I’m trying to find some way of getting a tan – I noticed before when I was rushing around there were some people having their legs waxed and the stuff they were using was really dark brown – wonder if I could use that as a stain?
so I try it and smear it on really thickly but its not dark enough so I wash it off
now I’m completely freaking out – where is everyone who is supposed to be assisting me?
How can I get a tan?
I’m really very thirsty, and people everywhere are drinking water this is not fair
So next I go to the stage makeup people at least I may be able to get my face done - the stage makeup artist is very kind and agrees to do my face but she doesn’t agree with how dark I need to be – fortunately one of the other competitors walks past so I can show her that I really do need to be that dark – she agrees phew!!
Just then my trainer shows up
‘Hi’ he goes – ‘I’ve been shopping!!’
he now looks like a 70′s dj – droopy moustache, afro wig, big wing collar shirt unbottoned to show off his beautufully sculpted chest and abs, he’s blinged up to the nines
I’m fuming ‘Where the hell have you been?’ (I know)
‘I’ve been shopping’
‘I can see that! you’re supposed to be helping me – did you get me any tan?’
‘you selfish bastard – I’m having a complete meltdown here, I don’t have any tan on, I can’t find my stuff and you’ve been off shopping!?’
(through gritted teeth) GO…BACK….INTO…TOWN….AND…GET…ME…SOME…CONTEST COLOUR…THE ONE WITH THE RED TOP. AND THE RED WRITNG..(as he turns around) THE RED WRITING!!
and I’m sooo THIRSTY!!
and then I woke up, heart pounding and sweating – turns out I really am thirsty but I just had to write this down while I remember it.
lots of notes to take from it:
1) DO TAN BEFORE I GET TO THE SHOW!!!!
2) TAKE SPARE TAN WITH ME TO THE SHOW
3) MAKE SURE HAVE PLENTY OF DREAM TAN and take it to the show
4) HAVE CHARGED UP PHONE ON ME AT ALL TIMES
5) HAVE MAKE UP ON BEFORE GOING TO THE SHOW
6) TAKE ENTIRE ‘LOOK’ OF SPARE MAKEUP TO SHOW
7) Have a smaller bag of absolute essential items that I can carry with me at all times
Get one of those baby leashes with the extenda cord and tie to trainer so he can’t go shopping :-p
9) Don’t let Nik Kershaw park the car!
10) Avoid 70′s disco party scenes backstage…