rehab…

My first post comp meal was perfect. I had a beer – well, pear cider - and watched the rugby world cup final with chips and nibblies. This was followed by a lovely home cooked beef borguignon with horseradish mash and green beans followed by a lovely homemade flourless chocolate cake with bluebrries, raspberries and cream – and I went back for seconds of the cake, it was delicious!! :-)

I was a bit pissed – I had a second pear cider then I couldn’t finish my glass of wine

And I was full!

Then I went back to my hotel – if I had gone straight to bed, that would have been the sensible thing to do, but I’d bought a packet of gluten free shortbread fingers, which I had intended to take to the comp to eat afterwards, but I forgot them…

so what did I do?

I pigged the whole lot. A whole packet of butter shortbread biscuits…I’ve NEVER EVER eaten a WHOLE packet of biscuits in one go!!

EVER.

Why did I do it? I wasn’t hungry, I felt so guilty afterwards and ill. After months of total discipline why go and do something dumb like that now?

it was stupid.

Then on the plane home – I didn’t have any food with me, I hadn’t planned that far ahead and didn’t buy anything at the airport because a) 99% of typical airport food I can’t eat – its not gluten free  b) most of it is total junk c) I forgot.

having got up at 4:3am (again!) to pack, I had my breakfast at 5:30 as usual – yoghurt and berries – yay! so by the time the flight left at 9am my stomach was trying to tell me it thought my throat had been cut – i.e FEED ME NOW!!!

but the only thing I could eat from the menu (Jetstar!) was pringles – now I used to LOVE pringles, but now I just didn’t want to contemplate it – its complete crap!

fortunately I had a bar of 85% organic cocoa chocolate and the remnant of the nut butter from sunday on the plane with me – so I inhaled the entire chocolate bar (felt sick! I dont really like chocolate) and then got a plastic spoon when the drinks trolley came round and had 3 teaspoons of nut butter.

The hunger went away but I did not feel good at all – I just felt unclean!

I REALLY wanted a tuna salad – or ANY sort of salad!

Getting home, there was only a few tomatoes and some wilted spinach in the fridge, so I popped to the local quick-e-mart. Now I was faced with a complete dilemma! what on earth did I want to eat? I couldn’t decide! There’s all this food, but most of it I can’t eat, a lot of it I wasn’t even going to consider eating (the ready made ‘convenience’ foods!), so I settled for chicken, eggs, an apple, veg, greek yoghurt, an avocado and some mature cheese, and because it was a cold wet shitty day outside, I felt like soup, so I also got a packet of organic thai green curry soup – which I could throw extra veggies and chicken into.

so back home I tucked straight into the cheese….I used to be a complete cheese freak – love my cheese!!

yuk!

???

but…I love cheese…don’t I?

apparently not anymore.

so I poached up the chicken and threw some spinach and snow peas into the soup and had 2 boiled eggs.

I haven’t touched the avocado yet.

I guess what I’m finding is that I’ve got so used to such limited flavours that its all a bit too much at the moment.

I didn’t even like the nut butter on the plane – now THAT surprised me, because all through this comp prep its been the nut butter that I loved!

For brekky today I had berries and greek yoghurt which has been fine – thats been my treat during comp season so I guess my tastebuds haven’t been desensitised to it – thank goodness!

Again at lunch I didn’t bring anything to work so I was faced with the same dilemma – what to eat?

Now there’s at least 10 sandwich bars within 50m of my work – which of course is no good for me as I can’t eat bread!! but there is a good ‘real’ food place so I headed over to that

for…..

green salad with salmon! it was lovely – rocket and crunchy green beans, bean shoots and mixed beans – but I was hungry afterwards – not enough protein! so I had a small tin of salmon as well afterwards :-)

What I’m finding is that now I can eat whatever I like, I actually don’t want to or maybe I’m scared to..???

I don’t want to get fat!

I know I need to put on some fat for health reasons, but I really don’t want to.

I don’t want to eat carbs any more – I’ve had mash potato 2 nights consecutively but I don’t feel good afterwards.

Tonight I’ve had a gluten free pizza – my first pizza in 2 years!

It was odd – it was sort of nice, but in a bland sort of way, but now you should see my stomach – its a hard little football!

This whole food thing is starting to fill me with trepidation..I’m going to have to rehab back into food…

I’m more than a bit anxious about this…having said that I guess the good thing is that at least I’m not going to be tempted to splurge and binge! I couldn’t imagine anything worse right now!

am going to switch back to comp diet tomorrow to clean out.

it looks like I’m going to have to take real baby steps…

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