When I decided that I was going to compete, I had no idea what I was letting myself in for – I thought that having come so far it would be fun to see how far I could go – very very naive! Sure I knew I’d have to lose what little body fat I had on me and I knew the training would change/get harder and I knew I had a lot to learn about posing, diet, presentation, tanning all that stuff and I was told that I would have good days and bad days - days when everything sucked, the diet was crap and I wouldn’t feel like getting out of bed/training/doing anything, days when I would be hungry and days when it was all just too hard and I would feel like quitting.
But knowing something because you’ve been told about it and experiencing something are totally different beasts – today was that day. I started writing about the sacrifices that you have to make to compete and how it affects you, your family, friends, your life – but it morphed into something else, today I hit the wall.
Today it hit home just how mentally tough you have to be, today I learnt that the emotional side of competing is probably harder than the physical side. Today I also learned that I do want this – this is important to me, but its not all fun.
Today I really understand the discipline and the commitment required to see this through, today I learned that I can do it.
here’s what I was going to write:
for the last few months, I’ve been cruising along in my own little bubble of training, diet, photoshoot, training, diet, posing, choosing sparkly bikini’s and the right pair of shoes and thinking about tans, makeup, training and diet.
Its been exciting seeing the changes to my body and the potential that I know I havent’ reached yet – and its always great to meet and work with people who are passionate about what they do and who are themselves inspiring, focused, motivated and driven to achieve their goals
however my bubble just burst and I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck.
I hasn’t really occurred to me until just now what a sacrifice you have to make to do this – of course I understand this on an intellectual level – you can’t live a ‘normal’ life when everything is planned to have you at a certain state on a certain day 6 weeks from now, but on an emotional level I’ve never really felt it…
I have to admit that right now I’m really struggling
I’m up and down and all over the place and as I write this, I want to cry and I don’t really know why.
all of you who are already competitors, those of you who have families and kids – how do you do it time and time again?
you are completely amazing. Mentally I’m finding this to be very hard.
so what has triggered this?
well I’m just so bloody tired (2:27am this morning I woke up!), I haven’t eaten yet – a 300ml drink with a bit of powder in it, is not a meal in my book – and I’m sitting here at work listening to everyone discussing what fun they had at their awards night last night.
I’ve only been at this job for 5 weeks which is the time you get to know everybody and these guys are social! I’ve turned down every ‘lets go out’ and the morning tea’s always generate a lot of comment when I don’t eat anything, and then explaining why I’m eating tuna salad for breakfast…every day…and chicken and broccoli…every day…
its very isolating – I’m on the outside looking in.
Not to mention that, last night a good friend who I haven’t seen for months rang out of the blue and wanted to go out for a beer and unfortunately I didn’t think I’d have the willpower to resist so it was easier not put myself in the situation – that sucks.
I have a wedding to go to next week – will I be able to eat or drink anything? will I have to take my own food?…to a wedding !!??
that would be like when I was a kid and had to take my ‘special’ sandwiches to birthday parties!
what about my friends house warming in 2 weeks – not going to that either – I don’t want to sit around watching everyone getting drunk and eating all the foods that I would love to be eating – not my idea of fun.
no lazy saturday breakfast/lunch/tea with the girls…
Social life is a concept that doesn’t exist anymore.
my world has shrunk to eat, train, eat, work, eat, pose, not sleep – repeat.
What it also highlights is how much our social lives are geared around eating and drinking – take that out of the equation and it really changes who you want to hang out with and and who wants to hang out with you.
I’m discovering that my 2 year old nephew is a great little bloke…
it also shows how important your support networks are…hmm…
am feeling very alone and very fragile right now.
I must eat something see if that helps.
still want to cry, I’ll go walkabout for a few minutes get outside into the sun, that usually calms me down
spooky – I decided I was going to check with Melita if this is normal…
and she just txt’d to see if could make it earlier tomorrow..and reassured me that this is normal!
OK, I can get through the next few hours at work.
just had lunch and some carbs!!! I can’t believe how much better I feel – I can feel my energy returning – its like a caffeine hit – without the caffeine!
I’m feeling more focused and alert already. my body is soaking up that brown rice like a desert soaks up water.
crash! very sleepy – can’t focus, just want to sleeeep!
ok am going to have to resort to coffee – with cinnamon
doing better – have managed to get something done! only 1/2 hour till I eat again, hanging out for that apple!
euwgh! stink of mackerel now – feeling sooo much better though, I can think again and my eyes are quite content to stay open by themselves even managed to listen attentively to the office ‘diet and nutrition expert’ describe – in detail – how to cook lamb backstrap.
He’s at least 20kg overweight, but he’ll be healthy in the summer…
ok must get pointless document done
as the Red Hot Chilli Peppers said – ‘life is a rollercoaster…’
I never knew how much food could affect my emotional state!
on that note – time to make pancakes – think I’ve cracked the quinoa issue - I am the pancake queen!