in the words of that ‘great’ footballer turned actor Vinnie Jones in one of my favourite films Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (note to self – download and watch tonight!)
it’s been emotional…
so whats been emotional? well the last few weeks really – from the stress, crushing humiliation, shame and sense of being cheap, used and sold out that I got from the Fitness First New You awards – the inital anger at Aiden for walking out on the night leaving me to face it by myself, to the utter sense of despair and discouragement that saw me almost throw in the towel and go and get drunk, to the dawning perspective, understanding and enlightenment that has brought an avalanche of amazing new ideas and goals that if I can pull it all together will take my life in another completely new, unexpected and very exciting direction
its been a rollercoaster.
Even the last few days I’ve been swinging from complete confidence to total pessimism and paranoia – will my legs come out? why do I feel fat? am I as lean as I was last time? why isn’t my posing working – how do I do the posing? Is there anything else can possibly do to ensure I come up as well as last time? was last time a fluke? The self d0ubt and noise that are derived from fear at times bring me close to tears.
This is why many a good coach will tell you that the game/fight/race whatever it is is normally won or lost before the competitor even steps onto the arena….its all in the head and at times I’m literally doing my own head in! :-)
Why can’t I be calm and trust the process??!!!
At the moment though I’m sitting here in a very serene space. I had such a good meditation this morning – opening myself up to the infinite love, peace and joy of the universe, being grateful for the journey that I am currently on – the people and experiences it is bringing in to my life. Visualising myself taking out the overall tomorrow, holding up that trophy, really feeling the pride and joy, listening to the support from the crowd, watching every pose happen perfectly…its incredibly powerful and uplifting
try it, you might surprise yourself with what you start to achieve…
so now I can relax, today is all going to be easy and effortless – tan, register, tan, eat, Black Caviar will street the opposition in the Schillaci Stakes at Caulfield, England will stuff France in the Rugby, and Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels will be as good as ever.
And its my mum’s 70th Birthday – she’s a legend, my mum.
Happy Birthday to a strong beautiful, feisty lady.