what do I mean by head-e-ology? A more technical term might be psychology, what is going on in my head – it occurred to me (at 4am this morning! why can’t I stay asleep beyond 4am?? thats a whole other issue!)
anyway, it occurred to me that during my whole transformation I have been and still am my own ‘science’ project – educationally my background has always been on a more scientific basis so setting up experiments, observing results and finding conclusions is nothing new. This morning whilst trying not to be awake I was mulling over my life in the last 2 years objectively and remotely as if I was a scientist studying in a laboratory.
Emotionally, it has been a rollercoaster – I’ve been on incredible highs when I’ve started losing weight, then lost 10 kg, then lost 20kg, then 25kg, and then when I started working with Aiden and getting these awesome physical changes, I’ve been like a kid in a candy store its been thrilling and exciting all at the same time. And now aiming to compete, I’ve discovered a while new sport that apparently I’m ideally suited for and its opened up a while new direction in life that wasn’t even in my world just 3 months ago – thats whats so exciting, new possiblities, new directions, new people, new challenges – who knows where this could lead? so I’m going with the flow to check it out
there have been bizarre moments – as I’ve started to look physically better I’ve suddenly started to get a lot more attention from guys and attending a number of well to do (male dominated Rugby) functions all dressed up in new cocktail frocks I’ve found myself to be the centre of lots of attention that has been rather overwhelming (mr armpit licker….!) and I wasn’t equipped mentally to deal with it. Coupled with that has come jealousy and envy and in some cases complete bitchiness from other women – why are we women our own worst enemies? And some of these women I have known for a long time, which makes it all the more upsetting.
Climbing Mt Kilimanjaro was a huge achievement and it is what kicked off my change – but I still have a huge amount of ambivalence about the whole trip. On one hand, yes it was great and I am very proud of what I did, yet the toll it took on me mentally and physically was huge. I realise now that I over-trained leading up to the trip and by the time I got on the plane my body was breaking down – I was very sick, but I refused to acknowledge that and kept going. By the time we actually did the summit attempt I also broke down mentally – twice I had complete panic attacks, which scared the hell out of me as I’ve never had a panic attack..ever. By the time I got to the top I was wiped out, empty, spent, I was incapable of any thought or feeling. I know I got to the top, I have photos to prove it, but I don’t remember anything about it – all I remember is on the way back my guide had to wake me up because I’d fallen asleep on a boulder leaning out over the crater rim…
There have also been many awful black moments when I just wanted to curl up and wished it would all go away – I was diagnosed with depression earlier this year due to a number of simultaneous coalescing intensly stressful, hurtful and in one case scary events that just all became too much to handle all at the same time. I lost all my self confidence and self belief, I felt like I was being attacked on all sides at the very core of who I was and I found myself questioning everything about me, my motives, my abilities – again something I’ve never done, I’ve always in the worst times known I could rely on myself, yet here I was beating myself up and telling myself how useless I was. If you’ve never done depression – and I say ‘done’ deliberately – depression arises from choosing to tak