Friday 8:15am

Why is it that I seem to write my best posts when I’m in a highly emotional state? maybe because its raw and its real and I just need to get it out of my system who knows, but right now I’m see-sawing between utter disappointment and complete anger.

I had a shit training session because I on the verge of tears half of the time and just couldn’t be bothered the rest of the time, a complete downer after what has been an amazing week – as a laugh, at Aiden’s suggestion I entered Fitness Firsts ‘New You’ competition in Strength category – I’ve been selected as a finalist and now have a 1 in 12 change of winning $30000!!! OMG!!!

so why the complete crash now?

what has sparked this?

I got an email from my mother.

it went something like this:

‘blah blah blah, stuff, more stuff, more stuff…

hope you’re ok, dont stick to odd diet too long not good for you

love mum

ok so firstly my mother writes an email like a shopping list – its generally a bullet point list of 4 or 5 things - this email actually had proper sentences and even paragraphs in it this time!

secondly I emailed when I made the decision to compete and explained what a figure competition was and that it was the Victorian State Titles and that it wasn’t bodybuilding and that although the diet was restrictive I was being managed by the best so I was in great hands.

how about a good luck maybe? even acknowledgement that I’m taking on such a challenge? not even a ‘why would you want to do that’  - even that would be better than NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER! I feel so let down.

and thirdly my mother thinks that I’m just on some crazy wacky diet to lose a bit of weight – I’m so angry that words fail me

for fucks sake.

I have to say, I don’t know how my parents do it, but their timing is immaculate - 4 days before my photoshoot for my 42nd Birthday  I was so excited about it, but when I talked to them about it the response I got was ‘what would you want to do something like that for?’ – hmm.. let me think…maybe because I’ve transformed myself from obese to fit, have lost 1/3 of my bodyweight (25kg) in the process, climbed Mt Kilimanjaro, look amazing and am in the best shape/health of my life! would you prefer that I’m like my youngest brother who is on high blood pressure tablets, is at least 10 kg overweight, and is about to have operations to cure his sleep apneoa and fix his foot?

or my fathers comment was  ’I dont want a daughter who looks like charles atlas’ – hence why I explained I wasn’t entering a bodybuilding contest!!  thats just plain ignorant.

crash!!! instant downer.

and now 2 weeks out from what for me is a massive undertaking and I was so excited about doing a full dress rehearsal this weekend as well as going to Bell St gym to get a bit of competition training from the head judge…

not any more.

so what now?

I have a choice, I can let this demotivate me, I can let it affect my training and preparation (oops it did this morning!), I can let it get in the way of doing what I intend to do and I can let it stop me in my tracks - this comes back to a previous post on what it takes to be a figure competitor – as I said, to me; focus, determination and desire are critical, but underlying all of them is your motivation. What motivates you?

I’m angry and disappointed. Is that my motivation? In general I dont suffer fools gladly but right now I have zero tolerance – so you’re either with me or get out of my way. The trouble with intense emotions is that its very difficult to maintain that intensity – once it wears off, where does that leave you? I know in a while I’ll have a completely different attitude, I’ll be able to reflect on this and let it go – does that mean my motivation has also gone?

No. My motivation comes from inside. I’m doing this for me – its an opportunity that didn’t exist in my life until a few months ago and being a naturally opportunistic person to me its only common sense that I would want to explore this and see where it takes me – so far its a whole new direction that I had never anticipated - and thats exciting!

So ultimately it doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks…but it would still be nice if there was a shred of interest from far far away…

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