and the cracks begin to show…

When I started this blog I decided it was going to be warts ‘n’ all – you only get one chance at your first time and I wanted to make sure I captured every experience – good, bad and ugly – so when I look back on it I can laugh at how silly I was being or how I can improve or what worked and what didn’t…

today was…not good :-)

9:10am

 ’..And the cracks begin to show…’

 this is a song that plays very frequently at the gym – and right now it is very telling

 since the wedding on saturday I’ve really been struggling emotionally and have been in tears on more than one occasion

I’m really down on myself and everything, and have thought about quitting this altogether several times

I know its not the training thats getting to me – hell, I put myself through waay tougher stuff for a lot longer when training for Kilimanjaro.

its not the diet thats getting to me – I’ve been following rules and regulations for over a year now so its second nature, I’m not hungry or feeling deprived in any way, I actually really like this clean eating it is clearly working, I’m in the best health of my life and it shows – I’ve had eczema all my life, yet I get people commenting on what my secret is for such great looking skin!!  and when I tell them how simple it is they just don’t believe me :-)

I’ve even solved the quinoa puzzle! Amaranth – another south american super grain, its very similar to quinoa in terms of protein, amino acids etc and it comes with the additional bonus of a thing called f-l-a-v-o-u-r! :-)

whats getting me is the emotional side of this – I am totally unprepared for the ups and downs - I’m on the verge of tears writing this, 5 minutes ago I had to pop to the ladies to have a cry.

I can’t focus at work – which is not good since I’m the critical path on a major project - hell I’m sitting here writing a blog post, nearly in tears, instead of a project document!

I’m getting into negative spins about trivial things – I get frustrated and angry with myself if I don’t pose correctly, or I get pissed off if my egg white pancakes don’t work, or I seem to be getting incredibly forgetful which is driving me mad – like today I’ve forgotten my lunch carbs, I seem to forget something every day

I feel completely isolated and theres nothing like a wedding to highlight this…

comments from friends like ‘when Sarah comes back’ or ‘when you’re back to normal’ do not help

I mean what is normal? who’s normal? who determines what normal is? 

Is normal the Sarah who you could call up and ask out for a beer?, is normal the Sarah who knows all the best quirky little bars to hang out in or where to get breakky lunch or dinner on any given day of the week…?

My normal is not that anymore. My normal is being healthy and fit and appreciating myself. My normal is not taking things for granted, and choosing who I spend time with, then making sure that its quality time instead of quantity. My normal is not going out 3 or 4 times a week with the same people to the same places doing the same thingsand just because I’ve chosen to do something a bit different from most people doesn’t make me ‘abnormal’.

how do I return to normal? what if I want to stay this fit and healthy or want to compete more and not go back to how i was before what then?

and where do people think I’ve been? I haven’t gone anywhere – sure I’ve not been miss social butterfly or the hostess with the mostess this year, but I’m still here.

I haven’t heard a peep out of my parents since I told them I was going to compete so I know they don’t approve

one of my brothers said an odd thing – ‘Are you sure this is really you?’ – well…yes…it is - I mean I’m still me…so who else could I be? I haven’t been taken up by aliens or anything, I’m just taking advantage of a hereto unforseen opportunity – going with the flow I believe its called – why? because I can.

even my brother who usually backs me up completely has expressed reservations about why I want all these muscles and why I’m showing off!!

WTF!!!???

it really leads me to percieve a lack of support from those around me and enhances my feelings of isolation. Its also adding a sense of confusion, as well as a diminishing sense of who I can turn to when I need to unload.

whats upsetting me the most though, is that I’m getting resistance from my trainer about working with Melita

why???

is he feeling threatened? is he jealous that I’m getting advice from someone other than him?  does he think I’m going to replace him? I’d never do that – he’s the one who’s got me this far, I wouldn’t even be considering competing if it wasn’t for the work I’ve done with him, he’s the one I’m going to be representing on stage and as a fellow perfectionist he should understand that in order to do that I need to know I’ve prepared the best I can and in order to do THAT I need to make sure I get advice, mentoring and coaching from the best i.e people who have proven methods and results.

the irony here is that he admires me for my mental toughness and self belief – yet right now I’m feeling as exposed, fragile and vulnerable as I ever have and I can’t do this without him – right now I need his support and someone to lean on…

hmm…I need to get to the bottom of this, but not now when I’m in this state! :-p

stupid thing is that even though I feel completely crappy right now,  I know that none of this true, and its only temporary, but this is the hole I keep falling into at the moment – I’m exhausted by this turmoil and having to pull myself out of it

think a very loud P!nk session is required when I get home!

and a new iPod…I really need my meditations…

and a good kick up the bum….

I’m sure Matt will be happy to oblige ;-p

 yikes! he might make me join in the cross fit session in my bikini and heels…now THAT would be interesting…

2:03

am feeling fine now! very sleepy tho – forgot carbs at lunch – oops!

why does this only seem to happen in the morning?

3:30

sooo tiiired, have completely hit the wall. even coffee and afternoon snack didn’t help

am going home :-(

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